Falling takes you from one place to another place.
Whether it was an accident or a planned departure, a leap of faith or a calculated exit, a jump in with both feet or a heel slip over the edge. Falling takes you somewhere.
Falling makes me feel isolated. I'm all alone in this. How did I get here? When will it be over? I don't always know what to look for when I'm trying to stop falling. I see people standing next to me in line, or sitting across the table from me and they look so still. So grounded. They don't even realize, that on the inside, I'm crashing right in front of them.
I tend to hold it all in. I think I'm trying to protect people. To preserve their joy. And I absolutely am not helped by the, "It will all work out. You'll be fine. You'll get through this." comments. I don't want people to feel bad for me. That. Does. Not. Help.
I have started to write about falling. That seems easier. For me. It's still isolated because I get to roll it all out at my own pace and it's less messy. It took awhile for me to be ready to write about struggling because I was afraid of the half-hearted commentary again. I shouldn't have been afraid.
The posts that I've written that have received the most comments are the ones about falls and struggles. But readers didn't say, "You're strong, you'll be fine. This will pass. It will all work out." They didn't say that. They said, "Thank you for sharing. I've been there. I'm there now."
And it helps. But not for the reasons I expected. It's quite amazing really.
Sometimes, it seems to me, the help you find at the end of your own arm isn't there because you cried out for someone to save you. More often the hand is there because that person was falling right along beside you. They know how it feels. They are there too and they simply extended their hand. I'm down. You're down. But we're not out yet. It's not over yet.
There's something amazing about letting go of the outcome and learning how to be better at the Now.
i often find myself 'in the meantime'... having a hard time in the midst of the fall... the bottom being something i keep landing on, an arrival of sorts. for me its the mean times that are the heartbreakers.
ReplyDeleteas we say often in my family these days, 'hands out!, hands out!'... our way of reaching out to each other without a battle or a wrestling match...